Friday, April 30, 2004

Ok so I have been absolutely awful about keeping this updated but after much thought ive decided to continue with it, at least for now......a lot has happened since Spring Break.

I've been avoiding the frat as a whole for a variety of reasons, mainly being i needed to focus on my academics as well as the other friends in my life in Colorad were falling by the wayside. Also to be blunt and honest a lot of the frat bickering and drama and shit talking was getting to me to the point were.........its like an infection that cant be cured.....you dont need what its bringing you in your life so you take the sharpest scalpel you can find and excise it right out.....well i dont feel that way anymore so any of the frat guys reading this dont have anything to worry about. Ive spent far too much effort, energy and time helping to make it work and by damn im not going to walk away from it.

Another very recent realization that the brillant me took way too long to figure out is the fact that i probably have a serious case of insomnia.....its gotten so bad that i go two or three days without sleep and dont feel tired and Ive begun to look at sleep like an inefficient waste of time...........dont really know whats brought it on.....maybe im just a complete night person? although i doubt that that would contribute to being able to go 3 days without sleep and then all of the sudden sleeping for nearly 24 hours straight. hmmmmmm oh well

In the past month Ive also been nailing down a job for the summer...aka a position in a local Bio tech company working as a lab technician....Ive also been looking at working for the colorado dept. of public health or the local branch of the CDC in colorado. Im also moving in with my best guy friend at CU, Ben. Hes straight, unfortunately...another shitty piece of luck for me considering hes pretty much everything i could ever ask for in a guy.....but hes "straight" although all of his other friends and I are highly suspicious of that fact...guess 14 months of living with him will help us figure that one out. The apartment is going to look awsome with the amount of money Ben and I are putting into it.

The past month and a half has also seen me pretty much boyfriendless and god forbid...........completely sexually frustrated......hmmmm oh well sux that im not the type to do one nighters....However there are two potential interests in my horizons....other then the first ex, Brad whos still in England at the Air Force base over there....but he might come visit this summer, which im looking forward to cuz i havent seen him in about three years, theres this guy named Josh who lives in Will vill and is friends with some of my other friends and him and I hit it off a few days ago and have sorta been chatting ever since....hes not my type, but then again i seem to have the luck that ive never dated my type............which brings me to what ive been thinking about since a conversation with a friend of mine currently at NYU. People's types....well for starters have you ever noticed that no one ever settles down with what they described or describe as their "Ideal, Dream partner"?
Take me for instance, MY ideal type would be about 6'2, short blonde hair, blue or green eyes, muscular and defined but not too big, althletic but not like jock sporty, spiritual, intelligent, caring and compassionate, but if the time comes has the potential and ability to defend both me and him physically or otherwise, perferably active duty military(sorry gotta toss that man in uniform thing in there) ok so basically someone right out of one of the greek mythology books...........hmm like the god Adonis LOL.....but seriously back to reality and to those that ive actually ended up with.....five boyfriends......three of which lasted 3 months or longer.....sadly Im able to call those "long term relationships" at least in the gay community.... well im not going to name names but if you put all three of them together then you get close enough to what my ideal would be....I guess my point is that there is really no point in having an ideal dream partner mainly due to the fact that that person your with at a particular moment in time is your ideal partner for that moment in time............dont know if that makes any sense on paper...but it makes sense in my crazy overfilled brain...at least at 4 in the morning....anyway enough of my ramblings.....ill update ...eh...whenever i next get the urge

Friday, February 20, 2004

Webb’s Manifesto on Love

While I must admit that this essay, although I prefer the term manifesto, was written in response to a very recent event in my personal life, I have been thinking about this topic for quite some time and I suppose that event has finally pushed me to actually and amazingly be productive once again in my own life.

What is love? That seems to be one of the ultimate questions asked at least once in every person’s life times. Wars have been fought over it and empires have collapsed because of it or due to a lack of it.

Dictionary.Com defines love as

v. 1. To have the feeling of love; to be in love
n 1: a strong positive emotion of regard and affection
2: any object of warm affection or devotion
3: a beloved person; used as terms of endearment
4: a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction
5: a score of zero in tennis or squash
6: sexual activities (often including sexual intercourse) between two people

v 1: have a great affection or liking for
2: get pleasure from
3: be enamored or in love with
4: have sexual intercourse with

While these definitions are certainly widely accepted, the scientist in me would like to put forth another, much simpler and in all honesty a downright depressing definition. That being, that all love truly is, is a mixture of various complex interactions within the biochemical pathways of our nervous systems of several different hormones, neurotransmitters and enzymes and their receptor sites.

The romantic in me quickly shoves aside the scientific definition of love and believes that there must be more to it then just complex pathways of chemicals in our brains. Just as there is something more inside of us then just chemicals and tissues, something that makes us truly individual, sentient beings capable of an entire cornucopia of emotions and thoughts…something like a soul or whatever else those reading this may believe in. However for me I fully believe that love is much more complicated then chemicals and their interactions. That said there is also a very large difference between being IN LOVE with someone or something versus LOVING someone or something. Love is something you can feel for friends, Fraternity Brothers, Pets, Family etc, etc. However being IN LOVE with someone brings about the image of the fairy tale scene of two peoples eyes meeting and the entire world just falling away, swirling into a jumble of colors. Time stops, the whole world goes silent, nothing else matters for that instant except for the person in front of you.

Well let me tell you at least from personal experience, being in love is rarely ever that fairy tale. Now I am gay and I can safely say I have been in love with three other guys in my 19 years on this planet. To protect their identities only the first letter of their first names will be used.

I knew I was in love with my first boyfriend, B, probably because of the butterflies I got in the pit of my stomach whenever I was with him. Yes, I actually got the stereotyped butterflies in my stomach. That and no matter what else had happened that day I knew he actually cared when he asked me how my day went. Now for my second boyfriend, C, whenever I was around him the world did indeed seem to fall away and no matter what had happened to us through out that day whether concerning family or other friends we were always incredibly happy around each other…well that and the fact the that we had the uncanny knack to know exactly what the other was thinking without them saying it. Now between C and my third boyfriend, J, there were three other boys. However, they were more like a month and a half flings and sex toys then anything else. I knew I was in love with J because when I was with him it became so much easier to ignore everything else going on, the world at large was just much more easily ignored. That and no matter what had happened during my day I always felt safe and secure with him and knew that just being around him totally relaxed me and calmed me down. While you, the readers may not agree with any of these situations as being in love with someone I greatly disagree mainly because love is such an incredibly individual and subjective happening and emotion.

My point in describing the three different feelings I had with each guy is exactly that. They were three individual people and three entirely different and individual relationships. They are incomparable for exactly those reasons. If I were to compare what I felt with C to what I felt with B then I would be comparing something relative to comparing apples to oranges. If I were to compare C to B through any preconceived notions of what “it was supposed to be like” then I would be completely fucking myself over because I would have come to the incorrect conclusion that what I felt with C wasn’t me in love with him because it didn’t 100% match up with the way I felt towards B. If I were to compare J to either B or C, through once again preconceived notions of love and being in love then I would have never dated J to begin with, simply due to the fact that I would have forced three entirely different people and circumstances into preconceived notions that would have ultimately forced me to end all three relationships because the feelings in each new one didn’t match the feelings felt in the previous one. Essentially each new boyfriend is a new person and new set of circumstances. It should never be expected that you’re going to feel the exact same about each new boyfriend as you did with the last one, and by using the previous one as a template on which to compare all current and all future boyfriends you are going to be fucking yourself out of so much potential and so many interesting possibilities.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Well i just want to let anyone who actually reads this failed post, like so many other things in my life, that tomorrow will be my last post. That and the fact that the dirt i promised on Jason and I wont be coming because there is no more Jason and I.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Ok I feel the need to apologize for not writing in this more often....I've been really busy lately with five exams this week and all......but I promise to update tomorrow(tuesday)afternoon

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

So first off I have a huge issue..well actually several

When your rooming with someone in college and want to have phone sex with your girlfriend or boyfriend....Whats the very polite nice thing to do?? thats right!! ask your f**king roommate to leave for a little while. Otherwise you are a tacky tacky tacky sick f**k who needs some serious help. Especially if your roommate is of another sexual orientation then you and DOESNT WANT TO HEAR YOU TELLING YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO TAKE HER WHITE THONG OFF!!!!

ok now that thats over.....heres another rant.....This is about me personally...first off Im the type of person that will never ask someone to change for me if im dating them...and i expect them not to ask me to change for them....well thank god that hasnt happened and wont happen but I was just prefacing my little bitch session...If I'm dating and in love with someone who you dont happen to agree with on several political and social positions...dont EVER presume to doubt or question why I'm dating or in love with that person....You wanna piss me off and ruin a potentially awsome friendship then please by all means question my relationship...This especially sets me off if the person questioning my relationship is a huge, flaming fast playing ho (and i dont mean any of that in the friendly way).

Now a little bit about me and my boy...While I am a liberal to moderate Republican, he is very much a conservative one. We don't see eye to eye at all when it comes to gay marriage, the environment or several other smaller issues. While we don't agree on those issues, thats what makes a relationship interesting..when there is the perfect balance of differences and the perfect balance of similarities... Now while we are both gay, you will never find us at a pride event nor owning a piece of anything rainbow...Im not saying that We or I in this case have anything against it but when a gay pride event is meant to win us equal rights...and instead ends up being the 15% of the weirdest, freakiest and most outlandish of the gay community shoving their gayness down everyone's throats... how the hell do you expect anything to be accomplished other then annoying people?

N-E-ways the dirt on me and jason will shortly follow..............

Monday, January 26, 2004

So in order to start this blog thingy out on a relativly even keel so to speak, I guess I'll tell you all a little bit about myself

Well my full name is Richard Webb Camp, but I go by Webb. Bloodline/geneology is very important to me. Continuing that topic(for the record) Im Irish, Scottish and English! :) I went to High school in Potomac, Maryland at a small private school....Currently I am attending the University of Colorado at Boulder, studying Molecular Biology. I guess I have the huge dream of curing HIV and helping to cure countless other infectious diseases. Some say thats a big order or very noble a dream but to me its more then that, its the fact that this is my one field where I actually manage to succeed far above others and one area that I have the ability to affect the entire future of the World.

More about me... while currently enrolled at CU Boulder I have also joined a gay Fraternity...its a national organization named Delta Lambda Phi. In the Fraternity I have met some of the most interesting and amazingly complex people I have ever met....including 17 fellow brothers of the Alpha pledge class of the CU colony and 5 of the coolest Big Brothers I could ever ask for. I also have to give a shout out to Dusty for having the balls to live with what he has gone through and is going through and to still have one of the most optimistic outlooks on life I have ever encountered. While in the process of joining the Fraternity I was also lucky enough to meet one of the greatest guys I have ever known...Jason also my current boyfriend. More on the subject of him and I to come on a later post...I guess thats all for know cuz I need to get some work done

Thursday, January 15, 2004

So right now Im in the middle of reading a scientific paper but Ill post later tonight

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